War at Breakfast
by The Marauders Quill RP
Summary: Slytherins and Gryffindors in the same room, even for breakfast... this can't end well. Marauders' Era.


Marauders Quill RP is proud to present you once again

Breakfast

A collab story by our members and characters

Marlene McKinnon, Narcissa Black, Lily Evans, Sirius Black, James Potter, Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, Alyss Morganne and some cutlery.

**Disclaimer:** All Harry Potter logos, trademarks, names, characters and related indicia are the property of Warner Bros., J.K. Rowling and/or their respective owners. (In other words, we don't own it... Pity. So don't you dare sue us!) All characters will be returned slightly scratched to JKR when we've finished playing with them.

--- --- ---

Marlene dropped herself lazily onto the bench of Gryffindor table. She reached out for the beloved bacon, noticing she was quite alone at the Gryffindor table. Aside from the teachers at the staff table and a few Ravenclaws, she was alone. And that's how she liked it in the mornings.

Today was no exception. Marlene had an assignment due for Charms after lunch, and she still had the conclusion and a couple of paragraphs to do. Let's just say she wasn't exactly the organized type. She wished Lily would hurry up, that girl was a pro at Charms.

--- --- ---

Narcissa quietly glided into breakfast, the first at the Slytherin table, and sat down. After collecting a piece of toast and some jam, she opened up her Muggle history book, wondering if any topic could be more worthless. Slowly nibbling at her toast she glanced around the room, only a few had arrived this early. Sighing, she went back to her book, wondering how long it would take for another from her house would show...

--- --- ---

Lily walked into the Great Hall with a yawn. Breakfast was the worst and most important meal. How she hated it. She groaned as she noticed Marlene sitting with books. Knowing she would be forced to help her friend anyway, she decided against walking out of the Great Hall, and instead hurried towards her friend. "Hey Marl."

"LILY! I love you, you are the bestest friend in the WHOLE world. Now why don't you come over here and sit right next to me?" Marlene smiled as sweetly as she could up at Lily. She grabbed Lily by the hand and pulled her down to the seat next to her. She stuffed another piece of bacon in her mouth, then attempted to write another paragraph. Glancing over at the other tables, she noticed Narcissa Black sitting alone at the Slytherin table. They met each other's gaze, nodding. They weren't exactly friends, they just respected one another. As much as a Slytherin and Gryffindor could, anyway.

--- --- ---

Sirius Black looked around, eyelids half closed. He'd really have to kill Peeves one of these days... The little bastard had stolen one of the notorious Marauders' pranks! Plus, he didn't like fruit cakes. It reminded him of the Crazy Creature, Michelle Harrison. They both were loud and tasted horribly. And worst was when they fell on you, dropped from two feet high by a cackling ghost.  
His eyes suddenly widened.

"Oh Merlin's balls! Bacon!" Sirius yelled, grabbing Marlene's plate and holding it like a prized possession.

Marlene, with Lily's help, was trying to do her homework, when all of a sudden, Sirius Black stole her beloved bacon!

"Black, give me back the bacon. Now." She said in what she hoped was a menacing tone. Usually they were on a first name basis, although whenever he annoyed her, it would revert to Black. Which was the case with everyone.

"Bacon? What bacon would that be, McKinnon?" Sirius grinned, as he sat down. He made sure he was out of her reach though. An angry Marlene McKinnon was something to watch out for. "I haven't got a clue what you are taking about," he added, before taking a slice of the delicious meal and stuffing it in his mouth.

Marlene tried to keep her breathing as calm as possible. If you looked at her from the outside you would've seen a vein pulsing in her temple. It took all of her self-control to ignore him, and take another piece of bacon off the tray. She gritted her teeth in the effort, and managed to grind the bacon in her mouth to a powder-like substance as she thought of all the possible ways to get revenge on Sirius Black.

"What were you saying Lily?" said Marlene mildly, turning her back towards Sirius and once again, trying to finish her homework. Why did she have to leave it till the last minute?

--- --- ---

Nodding at Marlene was harmless enough, but a smile never graced her face. Once she had been forced into working alongside the Gryffindor during a class and found the experience not entirely revolting. Since then they had exchanged the silent greeting now and then. Reaching for another slice of toast, a familiar voice cut across the quiet din of the morning chatter. Narcissa rolled her eyes at the antics her cousin was playing at over at the Gryffindor table. Sirius always had to be the centre of attention, she thought sighing. And his language! Getting worked up over bacon? No wonder he couldn't make it into Slytherin she muttered to herself. Yet she wondered sometimes how he was doing, separated from family. It would be horrible being separated from Bella...speaking of which, where was her sister at? Shrugging, slowly finishing her toast, Narcissa delved deeper into her book, trying to ignore the ruckus the Gryffindors always made.

--- --- ---

Lily groaned inside constantly, perhaps it was okay to be tortured by your enemies, but your friends? Now that was just cruel.

--- --- ---

James crept towards the group and tried to go by unnoticed as he sat across from Lily, putting a piece of toast on his plate and some eggs before moving on to the bacon that was clutched in Sirius' hands. Thank God Sirius was always so busy with McKinnon he never noticed what was going on. James briefly wondered if that's what he and Lily looked like when _they_ were arguing.

Lily looked startled as she turned in her seat and saw James sitting besides her. "James!" she said loudly. "When did you get here?"

"Hey, where did the bacon go?" Sirius muttered, looking at his empty hand. He had been so busy savouring McKinnon's angry expression, he hadn't noticed it going anywhere.

Then he saw the delicious meat lying on James' plate. "Oi! Jams, I was drooling on that!" he shouted.

James, about to bite into a piece of bacon, quickly dropped it. With a disgusted look, he passed the plate over to Sirius, wrinkling his nose as he now noticed that the bacon had indeed been particularly shiny that morning. "That's off, mate." He turned to Lily and grinned, "Only a moment or two, why? Didya miss me?"

Lily flushed and shook her head frantically, 'You wish Potter.' She leaned over to get a doughnut and accidentally brushed her arm against his chest. James felt his skin redden as her skin made contact with his. He tensed up and held his breath until she was sitting up straight again. Coughing, he reached over and took a gulp of juice, fervently hoping no one had seen.

--- --- ---

Sneakily taking Lily's assignment out of her bag, Marlene started inconspicuously copying down the last part of the essay, taking care to change it into her own words. She was trying to put the essay back into Lily's bag, while trying to make it look as if she had never been in it. This was relatively hard, especially because Marlene had a short-term memory. As Marlene noticed Lily sit back in her seat abruptly, she thought that Lily must have seen her take the essay. _Poo._

"Hey Lily, yeah I made sure that-" Marlene cut herself off, seeing that Lily wasn't actually paying attention. Also, her face was flushed red. _Hmm..._

She looked around. Sure enough, there was James' face coughing on his juice, his skin also reddening. Marlene gave a smirk, and sing-songed: "I know a seeeecret!!"

Spitting out the bit of juice in his mouth, James glanced wide-eyed at Marlene from where he was sitting. "Shut _up_, McKinnon!" He hissed, throwing a muffin at her, "You don't know anything."

"McKinnon doesn't know what?" Sirius asked, mouth full of bacon. He had been much too happy with having the bacon back - he had missed something. Again. That that happened in class, no problemo, but at breakfast - breakfast! With food! - that was not acceptable. He let his eyes wander over the copies of homework McKinnon had - one on the table, one in her hand - and looked then at Lily's flushed face and James' reddened cheeks.

"Prongs, couldn't you do it subtly with Evans?" he cried disparaging. Really, after all those years hanging out with the Perfect, Astounding and Divine animagus, you'd think he'd know about that! "If even McKinnon's noticed, it really must've been obvious."

Narrowing his eyes at his best friend, James whispered, his voice low, "Do _what_ exactly with Lily?" Turning his attention to Marlene he cried, "Honestly, nothing happened! Lily just wanted some juice; that's _all_. You're making a big deal out of nothing, eh Lily?" He gave her a side-glance, not wanting to make eye contact for too long in case his face turned red again. That would be unbearably embarrassing.

Marlene raised her eyebrows at James' and Sirius' conversation. "Mmhmm... Nothing happened. I believe you." Her tone of voice suggested differently. For once she decided to lay back and see how things would turn out. She grabbed a third piece of bacon, and lay back in her seat, flicking her hair out of her face. "Carry on with your conversation." Now that she had 'finished' her essay, Marlene was happy. For now.

Snorting, James said nothing. His face was still flushed and he didn't feel the need to defend himself _that_ thoroughly; he'd get Marlene later... when she was alone. James glanced at Lily out of the side of his head, wary of her reaction. But apparently his classmate had decided to ignore the general population of the table: she stared at her plate stubbornly, lips pursed together.

"Yeah, yeah, they call that taking juice nowadays, do they?" Sirius muttered, winking slyly at his best mate. Then he grinned insolently. "Potter, my boy," Sirius said far too loud and in a manner far too much resembling Slughorn, "it can't be you don't know what I'm talking about. After all, you had the sublime honour of hanging out with an incarnated god," he gestured to himself dramatically, "for al those years." His eyes fell on Marlene. "And McKinnon, what in Merlin's underwear are you holding two copies of homework for?"

"BLACK!" Marlene hissed as inconspicuously at Sirius as she could. "Hush, would you?" said Marlene, glancing sideways at Lily. She tried to whip Lily's homework out of sight until she could somehow put it back in Lily's bag without her knowledge. _Joy_. Luckily Lily still refused to look up or listen.

James laughed at Marlene and Sirius, "An incarnated God now, are we?" he snickered, shaking his head slightly. Turning to Marlene he winked, "It's not good to copy homework, you know." He clucked disapprovingly and took a bite of a roll smothered in jam.

"Oh you're one to talk." Marlene retorted to James.

"Righto, Jam-Jam, you're one to talk. You always copy from Rem," Sirius said self-satisfied. He folded his hands behind his head.

"Actually I for once agree with James. Incarnated God? Seriously, Sirius." She frowned at the pun. "God, I hate that pun."

"I _am _an incarnated god. Once you've gone seriously Black, you always come back!" He grinned at McKinnon. "And _that _particular pun is true. You wanna try, darling?" he concluded in a seductive whisper.

Marlene froze with her hand halfway to her mouth. It redirected and threw the piece of bacon at Sirius. "One word. Ew." Marlene wrinkled her nose and tried as hard as she could to look grossed out. She shot Black a look. "You confuzzle me." She then frowned as she digested his words. "And since when was I 'darling'?" She grabbed yet another piece of bacon, then decided to stuff it into her mouth before someone could stop her.

"Oh, hush. You love me. You're just in denial," Sirius grinned, catching the bacon and stuffing it in his mouth. "Everybody loves me." He directed a quizzical look at her. "And you're right: you don't look like a darling. I'll call you ugly cretin if you prefer," he offered.

"I guess I'll be fine. I could always call you bigheaded jerk," Marlene bit back. She frowned at the crappy comeback. "Sorry, couldn't really think with your ugly face distracting me." Marlene really couldn't be bothered.

"MY ugly face? Ow, that got me, McKinnon, right here," Sirius said in mock hurt, placing a hand on his heart. Then he stuck out his bottom lip in the infamous "puppy"-way - normally used on teachers whom had received non-existent essays, people who laughing said that he was mean and werewolves who had made their homework.

Marlene decided to ignore Sirius, after raising an eyebrow. She seized the moment when Lily was looking away, and put the essay back into Lily's bag.

--- --- ---

Lucius smoothed down his hair as he walked into the great hall. His nose lifted slightly, He looked down it at the Gryffindors making too much noise as usual. It was all he could do not to send a few curses their way. But seeing Narcissa made things a bit more relaxed. Of good breeding, despite being related to a few outcasts, and devastatingly beautiful, he had already spoken to his father about a possible joining of families. She would make an excellent wife and enhance his standing in the wizarding world at the same time.

Sitting casually next to her, Lucius frowned slightly when she didn't look up at him right away. Her nose in a book of charms, she seemed lost in the pages. _Well,_ he thought, _that would have to change in the future._

Although Narcissa knew that Lucius wanted her attention, she made him wait a while before she gave it. Lucius made no disguise in his approval of her, yet he became tiresome of late. Why would she need to admire him if he would not do the same for her first? Glancing over her book at the Gryffindors, Sirius in particular, she wondered if she would have been that way had she been sorted differently. Was it the house that made the person? She remembered her cousin and his laughter when they used to play, so many years ago. It all seemed so simple back then. Yet to be a Gryffindor...Chuckling at the thought of being anywhere but Slytherin, her eyes returned to her book.

"Good morning Lucius. How did you sleep?" she spoke quietly, not looking from her book as she addressed him.

"Very fine, thank you. And you? Looking lovely as usual this morning." he purred, leaning in slightly as he spoke. It was terribly frustrating not to be acknowledged, even with a slight glance. Perhaps he should rip the book out of her hands... "Do you have an exam I am unaware of, Cissy?"

Sighing, Narcissa placed her book on the table and finally focused on Lucius. "No. Is it now unwise for a Slytherin to enjoy some recreational reading?" as soon as Cissy heard the words, the sharp edge in her voice, she regretted it. Blushing she slowly turned away and reached for another slice of toast. "My apologies Lucius. I am not at all sure where that came from."

--- --- ---

Sirius wished time would hurry up: he had a meeting with that bird from Hufflepuf (what was her name again?), but that wouldn't be until this afternoon. And meanwhile James and Evans were still blushing and furtively glancing at each other, McKinnon was gloating about her homework, there was no Snivellus to pester in sight and Lucius Malfoy seemed to have polished up his ego even more than usual. Sirius took another bite of his bacon and wished something would happen. Something perhaps with firework. Or pixies.

Marlene finally relaxed now that her homework was out of the way. She noticed the bored look on Sirius' face. "What's up with you, _Black_?" she asked, emphasizing the word Black.

"I'm bored, McKinnon," he said, emphasizing her last name and grinning wickedly. Perhaps he could pester her a bit. Rather that than watching Slytherin prat no 2 drooling over his little-less-than-deranged cousin.

_Meh. Might as well go along._ Marlene had nothing to do anyway. "So... _Black_. The bacon's nice today. Like me," she couldn't help adding.

--- --- ---

Severus plodded into the great hall. He didn't even spare a glace for the occupants, but slumped down at the Slytherin table and poured himself some coffee. He had not slept at all that night and was not looking forward to the day. He stared down into the contents of the cup in front of him and fought the groggy feeling threatening to consume him.

The Slytherin looked up when he heard voices, to one side at the end of his table, of Narcissa and Lucius, and, to the other side at the other end of the hall, of McKinnon and Black. He could tell the pair at his table didn't want to be disturbed, so he moved a little further down the table from Lucius and Narcissa, not wanting to get on the wrong side of Malfoy so early in the morning, and took a sip of the scalding coffee.

Narcissa waved at Severus as he sat but, seeing him slide away, she dropped her hand instantly. She knew Snape and Lucius didn't get along often and didn't want to start anything, should Lucius catch her. Fortunately he was too busy looking for some jam and fixing his hair in the reflection of his plate to notice anything.

Wishing she could simply move over to Severus, Cissy sighed and resumed eating her toast. She enjoyed Snape's company. He had helped her more than once in potions, he often kept her engaged in conversation when Bella was in a mood and it always felt comfortable just being quiet around him.

A few minutes later, putting the empty cup in the middle of the table, Severus stood up and began to leave the hall. He only made it a few steps, before he tripped headlong into the end of the table.  
He stood up quickly, fully awake now, and looked around the hall with narrowed eyes. At the other end of the hall he saw McKinnon and Black laughing in his direction. (Potter didn't notice, too busy being embarrassed with Lily.)

Marlene had no idea why she had gone out of her way to trip Severus Snape: the simplest reason was that she was bored. She didn't have as deep a loathing for Snape as Black and Potter. Black seemed to be laughing harder than necessary, but Marlene couldn't stop a laugh coming out of her mouth as well. Seeing Snape glare at them, she quietened her laughing.

_Who had it been? McKinnon? No... can't have been. Could it?_ Severus continued glaring at them both. He saw McKinnon stop suddenly, her expression slightly fearful. She'd only looked at him like that once before, when she had accidentally jinxed him in Defence Against the Dark Arts.

_So it was her. . . _

But Black was still laughing. Severus pointed his wand at him and muttered "Silencio". Black seemed rather surprised and crestfallen that he could no longer hear his voice. Severus chuckled to himself and turned to leave.

Marlene started laughing again as Snape obviously put a Silencio charm on Black. She grinned as a new idea came to her. Marlene grabbed the nearest piece of bacon, and charmed it to fly into Snape's head, which was leaving the hall. She instantly turned back to a spluttering Sirius, pretending it wasn't her.

Severus turned back when he felt something hit the back of his head. He looked down onto the floor and saw a bit of bacon sitting on the floor in front of him. He looked up, back in the direction of McKinnon and Black. What a waste of perfectly good bacon.  
McKinnon was doing a fair job pretending it was her. He knew it was, but it was a rather good excuse to jinx Black again. He charmed the bacon and it zoomed back to Black. Severus saw Black grab for it, but the bacon danced just out of his reach. He watched as Black turned around following the bacon, and took his chance, casting a deafening jinx on him.

Severus turned to leave once more. Maybe he would make Black blind too . . . later.

Marlene's mouth dropped open as she saw what Snape just did. Above else, he _knew_ it was her. _Well that was a waste of bacon,_ she thought, unbeknownst to her mimicking the Slytherin's thoughts. Forgetting about the distressed Sirius near her, Marlene thought of something else to do to Snape... Not anything that hurt him, or anything that got them in trouble though. Marlene stuck with the food and drink, and charmed her half-filled orange juice to fly over to Snape and emptied its contents over his head. That could be undone by a simple drying charm, wasn't too hard.

Unfortunately, for Black at least, Severus had put a shielding charm on himself and sent the juice right back into the Gryffindor's face.

"Uh-oh," was all Marlene could say. Seeing the juice bounce right off the shielding charm Snape had no doubt produced, Marlene had to think quickly. Sirius seemed to be in a right state, so she decided to do him a favour and cast a temporary shielding charm around him. The juice bounced right back, speeding back towards Snape. Marlene giggled. _A bit like tennis... with juice... and shield charms for racquet's... hmmm..._ she thought.

Sirius waved his arms around erratically, wishing James would stop staring at Evans' boobs and do something about the silencing spell. But unfortunately his best friend didn't even see him! Hello, he was being attacked by Snivellus and orange juice!

_That's what you call a friend, puh! See if I ever let him use my aftershave again!_

Sighing inaudibly, he took his own wand. He couldn't counteract Snape's spells himself, so he settled for making the bacon drop in his plate. After that he tapped thoughtfully against his chin and decided James had to miss the fun. Snivellus had hexed him twice, after all, and at the moment he was far too distracted by the orange juice. It was only thanks to McKinnon Sirius wasn't the one with a glass flying towards him. _Or it's her fault_, Sirius thought and frowned. He would have to think about that later. Maybe he needed to hex her too once. Or just take away her favo chair. But first Snivellus. Thank Merlin's fluffy pink teddy for that DADA teacher, who had taught them non-verbal spells.

Sirius waved his wand before him and every plate, knife, fork and spoon at the Slytherin table decided that it had enough of just lying around and flew away - right against Snivellus.

_Go me! Too bad I can't hear my own, sexy laugh._

Marlene's eyes widened as she saw Sirius _finally_ get a hold of himself and saw the Slytherins' plates fly away to meet the unfortunate Snape. But something else was wrong...

The absence of Sirius' voice. She turned around and saw him still waving his arms about. Marlene giggled for a moment more, and decided to do the right thing. She performed the counter-charm for the Silencing and Deafening Spell, knowing she would regret it as soon as she heard his voice again.

_Typical. They just had to send the cutlery flying around, didn't they._ Severus sighed. He could either run or change the orders of the juice and the cutlery.

Severus sent the juice flying towards Potter. _Maybe that'll wake him up,_ he thought disgustedly. _Sorry, Lily. . . _He could only pray nothing would happen to her.

--- --- ---

Cissy began to rise as she saw the glass floating towards Severus. She frowned at Marlene, thinking she was above this kind of behaviour. Starting to withdraw her wand she slowly sank back down as she watched Severus fix the situation and watched, smirking, as the juice flew towards Potter. She saw Marlene swishing her wand through the air and the glass changed direction immediately.

Frowning at Marlene for spoiling the fun, Cissy moved her wand out, ready to be of assistance if needed. Just as she was about to send a charm McKinnon's way, her plate shuddered and began to move. Lucius pouted as his mirror began to move out of reach and Cissy chuckled to see him grab for the plate, unaware of the fight that was going on around them.

Severus rushed through the doors of the hall and charmed them closed behind him. There was deafening assortment of clanging and thudding as plates, knives, forks, spoons, bowls, and cups hit the doors. He opened the doors again and stepped into the Great Hall. He charmed the cutlery so that it all floated near him, knives and forks unwedging themselves from the door in their attempt to obey. Severus narrowed his eyes and sent the cutlery zooming back at Black. He turned and ran out the door toward the Slytherin common room.

When the majority of the objects were about a foot from Black's face, Severus made them all fall to the ground, as innocent as they had been a few minutes prior.

--- --- ---

Narcissa watched Severus stand and run from the hall, all their cutlery moving towards him. He closed the doors just in time; a few of the forks and knives, even a spoon imbedded themselves in the wooden door. Suddenly they all turned and went rushing back towards Sirius. Cissy sank down to her seat again and simply watched the show. The look of panic on Sirius' was classic, and as the plates came crashing around him. She couldn't help but laugh.

--- --- ---

"Hey!" Lucius shouted as his plate began to move. He grabbed at the plate and looked around, finally catching up to what was happening in the Great Hall. Upon hearing Cissy chuckle at him he released the plate and turned to scowl at her. First she had the audacity to ignore him and now she was laughing at him? But her gaze was focused on Sirius and as Lucius moved his gaze from the retreating Severus to Black, he realized that all of the dishes were flying back at the young Gryffindor. Smirking, he forgot his irritation towards Cissy and laughed with her as the plates crashed down.

"Severus never could finish the job..." he mumbled at flicked his wand. The dishes began to rise again, higher and higher into the air. _Let them drop and shatter all round them_, he thought. Something to drown out all the noise they constantly make...

Cissy sighed heavily as she heard Lucius mutter.

"Just leave it alone. Why sink to their level?" Picking up her book, Narcissa tried to ignore the whole situation.

--- --- ---

"Haha!" Sirius yelled, putting both arms back in the air in triumph. "I can speak again! Go Padfoot, best star of the Universe!" Then he saw the cutlery flying as fast as Prongs was when he saw the Snitch or Evans. "Merlin and Dumbledore's sex positions!" he squealed, before they all fell to the ground. At the same time he heard the door of the Great Hall slam. Snivellus got away!

Sirius dropped the look of panic when he saw Snake no 2 reaching for his wand. Snivellus - okay, the guy never had heard of shampoo, but he could cast mean hexes - but the pretty boy? Padfoot let a wicked grin spread over his face.

"Protego!" he yelled first, deciding that, even as unhelpful as he was, Prongs did not deserve humiliation in front of Slytherins. But _I won't give him that bra he nicked from Evans back! That's his well-deserved punishment._ The glass orange juice still floated through the air, but was unable to get closer to James. Another muttered spell and all the cutlery got little feet - they danced through the air, shouting "Oh, this is high up!", "Let me climb on you! If you shatter that isn't a problem!", "Ooh, I'm getting air sick..."

"I'm just doing this for you, McKinnon," he said severely. "This isn't easy and it's just because you made my voice again audible." He nodded importantly.

"First things first: Dumbledore's sex positions?" Marlene shook her head, trying not to pollute her mind from the graphic images. Then: "Oh, my saviour!" Marlene exclaimed, pretending to swoon over Sirius. Key word: pretending. "But I'm _really_ regretting doing that countercharm now."

--- --- ---

Cissy smirked at the phrases coming from the floating cutlery and dishes. _That is Black cleverness for you._ Shaking her head, she lifted her wand to help out Lucius. Just because Sirius had shown some inventiveness was no reason to let a Gryffindor outsmart a Slytherin. With a swish, the dishes all turned green and silver and began proclaiming the wonders and glories of the Slytherin house and its students.

"Clever and Cunning", "Always the best", "Success is ours", "Salazar can out-duel Godric".

--- --- ---

"Yes, of course sex positions, McKinnon," Sirius was lecturing. "When you swear it has to be something 'ew'wy. And the idea of Dumbledore or Merlin having sex is as 'ew' as," he thought deeply for a moment, absently waving his wand, so one of the tea cups made a duck. Only when it started to scream he looked surprised and held his hand motionless. The little tea cup started calling him names shrilly, but it was drowned out by the booming voice of a huge knife: "The day of Doom is near! Convert thou, or thou shalt fall and shatter!"

"Anyway," Sirius resumed, "Dumbledore having sex is as 'ew' as Snivellus or Malprat."

From the corners of his eye he saw Narcissa getting her wand out and he waited for the attack, but nothing happened, until the cutlery -

_Aargh! Okay, now she's really gone too far! This isn't funny anymore! Or it would be, if I had done it._

"Bloody hell, Cissa," he yelled over the noise, realizing too late he had used her old nickname, "their ego's even bigger than Malfop's!" With a grimace of disgust, he waved his wand again and now half the cutlery changed into red and gold. After a good look at themselves ("Does this make me look fat?" "Hey, why do I have to be the same colour as that knife?" "Oh my gosh, look at you!" "Ooh, red's really my colour!"), the red-gold cutlery started to attack the green-and-silver ones, who had still been declaring the Slytherin values. _Much better,_ Sirius thought satisfied, _just like in real life._

While the shouts "Hey you guys, let's push that green teapot down-under!" "I'll give you a Salazar against your nose, you ugly gold!" "Hey, hey, that's my arm!" still rung through the room, he put his hands behind his head and grinned satisfied.

--- --- ---

Lucius scowled at the remark Sirius made about his ego and fumed as he called him names. But worse yet was the name he shouted to Narcissa. Lucius always cringed when reminded that the beautiful creature next to him was related to such filth. The blood traitor had no right to call her something so personal, to address her in such a manner. Smiling wickedly he raised his wand and all the Slytherin dishes stopped attacking the Gryffindor cutlery. In unison they all turned towards Sirius and shouted loudly, "Attack!"

_Oh. My. God._ Marlene jumped and quickly ran away from Sirius, so as not to be attacked by the Slytherin cutlery, who was marching up to said boy. After a moment, the Gryffindor cutlery came to their senses and started attacking the still-marching Slytherin ones. Casting a shield charm around her just in case one did stray toward her, Marlene sat down a little apart from Sirius and watched the unbelievable events unfold.

--- --- ---

James diverted his attention away from Lily to find a rather alarming amount of action going on in the Great Hall - how had he missed this? More importantly, how had the _Professors_ missed this? Not that he minded much; a battle versus the Slytherins was the best way to start the morning. He blocked the juice that he noticed Snape had sent flying his way and sent it in Narcissa's direction, hoping to Merlin that it hit her on her unblemished face.

Sliding down under the table and dragging Lily with him to protect her from the animate knives, forks and spoons, James dug into his pocket and took out several dung bombs. He slipped a few into Sirius' hands, and gave only two to Marlene, on the off-chance she decided not to oppose them. Warily, he glanced at Lily's face, not wanting to see just how disapproving she would be.

--- --- ---

Dumbledore watched from his position at the teachers table as the chaos progressed into a full-out battle scene. It was with amusement that he noticed James Potter dive under the table, pulling Lily Evans along with him. He looked forward to seeing how this battle ended, but hoped that it wouldn't take too long to clean up afterwards.

--- --- ---

Marlene ducked instinctively when a green and silver knife with tiny flying arms came launching itself at her, proclaiming "Attack the Gryffindors! Attack! Attack!" Of course, it simply bounced off her brilliantly cast Shield Charm. Marlene was watching it fascination as it sat up, dazed, shook its head and went charging over to the other Gryffindors, when two somethings were pressed into her hand. Confused, she looked down into her hand, finding two dung bombs sitting in the palm. She looked around, but found no one in particular looking her way. They were mostly ducking and/or retaliating to the army of cutlery. Then she looked down under the table.

Seeing James and Lily under the table together was odd, and if it had been any other day Marlene would have said something about it. Today however, she just shook her head and turned back to the battle.

"OI! Gryffindor army cutlery thingies!" Marlene strived to find the right words... But then gave up. "Accio _one_ Gryffindor piece of cutlery!" She wasn't sure if that would work, but figured it was worth the try. Sure enough, a red and gold fork came zooming at her from the midst of the battle. Marlene once again ducked, the fork also bouncing off the shield. She quickly put down the shield and spoke clearly to the fork, which she had set on the table.

"You are to take this," Marlene held up a dung bomb, "and set it off in the middle of the Slytherin table. Got it?"

"Yes ma'am!" came the squeaking voice. Marlene gave it the dungbomb and off it went, dodging kitchen cutlery left right and centre. She watched amusedly as it reached the Slytherin table and smirked. _This is one... different breakfast._

--- --- ---

Sirius didn't know what to do for a moment - bloody hell, how unoriginal could you get?! Even from Malfop you would expect better. He sighed and shook his head sadly as he made one the green-silver forks, who had been going for his nose, salto. _I have far too high standards, I always get disappointed,_ he decided as the fork screamed: "By Salazar!"

He aimed a Protego at some eager Slytherin cups and felt something being pressed in his hands. Baffled, he looked under the table and saw Prongs sitting hand in hand with Evans. "Aw," he grinned, "Cosy down here, huh?" He winked at his mate and sat up straight again, to see the green teacup pushing against his Protection Shield. He wondered for a moment if he should point out to the cutlery that the Shield was there to protect him, otherwise its name wouldn't be "Protection Shield", but then decided against it.

T_hey are Slytherins, after all._

When Sirius saw McKinnon unfolding her plan to the fork, he smirked wickedly. Well well, the girl has ideas! He started following her example, summoning a fork and spoon, and gave the dung bombs an extra tap with his wand.

When they all reached the Slytherin table, the bombs exploded, covering the few students that sat there with - "Malfop looks SO much better this way, great idea, Prongs!" Sirius shouted under the table.

The bombs Sirius' wand had tapped against though did not only explode but also sent firework through the room.

--- --- ---

Laughing, watching the Gryffindors battling against plates and forks, spoons and knives...this was a really great morning. Her eyes flickered from James and Lily as they crawled under the table, to Marlene who was summoning a fork, to Sirius, who was... well... protecting himself from the onslaught.

Going back to Marlene, she watched as the girl said something to the fork she had collected and handed it a small round object. Eyes widening, Narcissa quickly noticed what the small object was. She looked to Sirius and saw that he now had several of the small spheres too.

"Um...Lucius?" Cissy tried to get his attention, but he was too busy ordering new commands. Just as the fork reached the Slytherin table, she slid under the heavy wood tabletop and curled into a tight ball, hoping she would be safe under here. Quickly she tied her long hair into a knotted bun on top of her head and then covered it with the book she had been reading earlier.

_Count on Gryffindors to bring poo to the party..._

--- --- ---

Just before the dung bomb went off, Marlene spied Narcissa slide under the green and silver clad table, protecting herself from her and Sirius' trusty dung bombs. Once again forgetting that her trusty Protego Charm was up protecting her, she once again ducked as a red and gold firework zoomed past. Shaking her head to clear it, she pocketed the other dung bomb in case it came in useful.

"You idea stealerer!" Marlene shouted at Sirius. Suddenly, she was hit with the foulest smell... of the dung bombs. Quickly covering her nose with her hand, she thought of all the spells that would somehow give her clear air...? But none came to mind. Except for the bubble-head charm. Quickly deciding that her nose was worth more than her pride, she cast the bubblehead charm on herself. And then she ducked under the table, joining James and Lily.

"McKinnon, go away!" Sirius yelled. "There's no room for four underneath the table!" He had ducked under the table at exactly the same moment as she had. "And stealerer is not a word," he added as afterthought.

He slid past Prongs and Lily who were still holding hands (how _cute, Moony and Wormy should see it!_ he thought for a moment) and peeped from under the table, keeping his Shield Charm firmly in place. The mayhem at the Slytherins was incredible. "Man," he smirked, "The others should see this!"

Not wanting to be the odd one out, Marlene cast the bubble-head charm on Sirius, James and Lily instead. If this wasn't such like a war-zone, she would've laughed out loud, for they all looked like they had upturned fish bowls on their heads. "Sirius the fish. Haha."  
Marlene surveyed the chaos at both ends of the Great Hall. When she saw the damage the dung bombs had done, an instant thought struck her mind. "We really are party poopers." This time she couldn't hold the laughter in, ignoring the odd looks she was receiving.

Sobering up, she stole a dung bomb from both Sirius and James.

--- --- ---

"EWWWW!!"

Narcissa shrieked as the smell hit her. Quickly and carefully she shoved a bench away with the bottom of her shoe and crawled out from under the table. Trying to get none of the poo on herself, Narcissa held her breath as long as she could before she gasped in the foul air. Looking towards the Gryffindor table, she narrowed her eyes on the group that was huddling below the tabletop, like the cowards Gryffindors always were.

"Scourgify!" she yelled, pointing her wand towards the poo that covered the Slytherin's tables and occupants. Quickly spinning about she pointed her wand at the Gryffindor table.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" slowly the table that they had all been under started to rise up. "All I wanted was a quiet breakfast for once!"

Seeing Marlene grab a few dung bombs she pointed her wand and yelled: "Accio Dung bombs!" As the small spheres landed in her hand, her smile grew wicked...

--- --- ---

Seeing that the dung was gone, she removed the bubble head charm, but couldn't be bothered to remove it from Sirius and co. "Hey!" said Marlene, as all of her dung bombs flew out of her hands. Then she realised that their cover was blown... the table had begun to rise. Marlene's eyes followed her stolen dung bombs to... Narcissa Black. Furious, Marlene pushed the hair out of her face and thought of a way to either make herself invisible, or protect her. She didn't know a spell to make her invisible, except for the Disillusionment Charm, but she hadn't mastered that one yet.

Seeing Narcissa's evil smile, she put herself on alert. Marlene spied the dung bombs in Narcissa's hand... not good. Ok, might as well try Narcissa's own method. "Accio dung bombs!" The dung bombs began their journey through the chaos. As she grabbed the spheres, she quickly shoved them in her huge robe pockets, hiding them from sight. Looking around, she abandoned the others and dived toward the neighbouring table.

Pouting, Narcissa's wand followed Marlene as she took cover. "You can run but you cannot hide..."

--- --- ---

"Glad she isn't concentrating on me anymore," Sirius murmured to himself, when he saw his cousin's eyes narrow. Cissy was not one to make angry. He had done so in the past, and the result had never been appetizing. Luckily he had had the wits to dive under tables or behind dark-haired cousins when it got really mean.

_But I wish McKinnon hadn't stolen my dung bombs. I will have to do something about that when we're all out of here dung-free. _He had meant after all to keep those for a special occasion - Prongs' birthday or Filch's Funeral.

He glanced at Prongs and Evans, who were still holding hands. _Or __maybe __Prongs' __marriage..._

--- --- ---

"Aguamenti!" Narcissa shouted. Suddenly a stream of cold water shot from the end of her wand and headed towards Marlene drenching her from head to foot.

Narcissa smirked as she lifted the water charm. _Just let her try and light those dung bombs all dripping wet..._

Thinking she had defeated McKinnon for the time being, Cissy turned toward her cousin and his silly friends.

"Depulso!" She shoved forward though the air as she yelled the charm. As a result, the Gryffindor table screeched as it was shoved backwards, leaving the cowering students exposed to everyone in the great hall.

--- --- ---

_Oh great. I really needed as shower... not,_ thought Marlene as she fumed, standing there dripping from head to toe. Performing the drying charm on herself and of course the dung bombs, she was quickly dry. Now glad that she hadn't stayed under the Gryffindor table, she watched as Cissy use a charm to repel the table backwards. Thinking about her own defences, Marlene took cover with both a Protego Charm and a couple of overturned chairs, making a barrier against the livid Cissy. As she did this, she thought about what she was going to do to retaliate...

--- --- ---

Smiling wickedly as she noticed Potter and Evans holding hands, Narcissa waved her wand in short circular strokes. Soon there were tight ropes wrapping around their hands and arms, binding them together. She smiled as the couple struggled and watched their fingers start to turn a soft shade of blue.

"Those who cower together deserve each other!" Cissy shouted with a cackle. Turning to Sirius she began to wave her wand. She would transform him into the weasel he was acting like. At least that was the plan...Marlene caught her eye as she set some chairs in front of her as a makeshift barricade. Her eyes flickered between her cousin and McKinnon, torn between giving Sirius some antlers or preparing a defence against Marlene...

--- --- ---

Alyss stopped short as she walked into the great hall for breakfast. Her jaw hit the floor as the scene played out in front of her eyes. On one side, Slytherins were poised to fight, Cissy out in front of them all, looking frightfully angry. On the other, Gryffindors, all in various stages of disarray. Her stomach grumbled: she shouldn't have skipped supper for Quidditch practice last night. Maybe if she went to the kitchens she could avoid this mess.

Technically, Marlene wasn't cowering... together at least. She honestly didn't think that the chairs would hold from an angry Slytherin, but at least it would buy her time if she needed it. Scanning through the chaos in the Hall, Marlene searched for a person to help her with her... quest. Not Lily, she wasn't in the right state, seeing as she was attached to James by the arm. Mentioning James, not James either. Not Sirius... _Alyss! Perfect_.

Figuring out how to get Alyss without being harmed, Marlene was suddenly hit with an idea. Accio would probably result in harmful injuries, and/or uncomfortable situations, so she settled with the simple beckon with the hand. Her eyes darted to the Slytherins, wishing Alyss would hurry up.

Just about to turn and leave, Alyss noticed Marlene beckoning to her. Should she really get involved? But it wasn't like her to leave a Gryffindor in need so, as stealthily as she could, Alyss crept over to Marlene.

"What happened here??" Alyss asked in a whisper. She didn't want to attract undue attention from any Slytherins, especially if she was needed as a surprise attacker.

--- --- ---

Deciding McKinnon wasn't a threat at the moment, Narcissa laughed as she flicked her wand, antlers sprouting from Sirius' head. But her laughter was short lived as she saw Alyss join Marlene behind the chairs. This was going to get bigger than she had expected. With a moment of self-doubt, Narcissa turned around, looking for some other Slytherin to help her out.

--- --- ---

Professor Dumbledore studied the mess in front of him. _Hmm... I wonder… with my teacherly duties... Shouldn't I put a stop to this?..._ Then he saw two antlers sprouting from behind young Black's ears_. I really can't decide, it's too funny._

--- --- ---

"Hey Alyss!" Marlene stage whispered to the said girl. There was enough noise in the room to cover any sound they made. "Yeah I know, long story... But basically, Snape and I were playing ping-pong with the juice and then it turned to this," Marlene gestured around the room. "But listen carefully," she beckoned towards the girl, and lowered her voice. "Ok, well it's kind of a war, Gryffindor against Slytherin. Normally I would be staying out of this kind of trouble, but to be honest, it's kind of fun," Marlene admitted. "And I have no idea what Dumbledore is up to. He doesn't seem to be stopping anything yet. Anyway, I'm running out of ideas. We need to think of a plan that would somehow... get back at the Slytherins, especially Narcissa and Snape, without alerting them that it was us. Capiche?"

--- --- ---

"Merlin's pink strings!" Sirius stormed, waving his wand around. Human transformation wasn't easy - as if to prove that, the antlers turned pink.

"Slytherin's favourite wank towel," he added furiously with another wave and the antlers disappeared. _Much better when I'm my own sexy self again._ He sat down on the ground and cut the air with his wand - the ropes around the hands of Lily and James became loose.

_Now, let's see._ He made a couple of gestures with his wand and a red cloth with the Lion of Gryffindor draped itself over the few chairs Marlene had placed in front of the Gryffins, an invisible barrier pointed towards the Snakes was placed in front of Sirius and a piece of bacon flew to his hand. _So, let the show begin_, he thought to himself as he munched on the treat.

--- --- ---

Still traumatized by having Gryffindor poo all over him, it took Lucius a moment to realize that he was now clean and still a standing target. Quickly he looked from the Gryffindor herd to his Narcissa, bravely battling them all on her own. Who would think that the sweet, beautiful girl could turn so wicked when provoked. He stood for a moment longer, wearing a goofy grin and simply staring at the long haired goddess in front of him. Yet, as she turned to him, she seemed more upset with him than her stupid cousin and his friends. He needed to find a way out of this place so he could find out why his future betrothed was angry with him.

Stepping over an overturned bench, Lucius cast a 'protego' spell over himself. _N__o more poo,_ he thought, and quickly ran to Narcissa's side. Grabbing her around the waist, he pulled her close and flashed a brilliant smile at her. "It will be ok. I will get you out of here."

--- --- ---

Alyss listened to Marlene and nodded a few times, still trying to sort out how all of this got so out of hand. Glancing towards the headmaster, she saw him wearing a smile. _So odd sometimes, _she thought.

"Well, we could always jinx them somehow...or..." Alyss smiled as a thought formed. "We could let them stay behind to explain, get out of here now, and try to get into the Slytherin common room...leave behind a bit of a surprise." her smile fell as another thought entered. "But the password is hard to decipher..."

--- --- ---

Rolling her eyes at the useless Lucius, Narcissa turned back around, prepared to continue on her own. But just as she lifted her wand to hurtle another curse the Gryffindor's way, she felt an arm slide around her waist.

"Hands OFF!!" Narcissa was ready to curse the person who had dared to touch her when she saw it was Lucius. Shocked, Cissy tried to pull away, only to see him smile bizarrely at her and pull her closer, telling her _HE_ would get _HER_ out of here.

Her mind raced as she thought about what to do next. _Should she do what was expected? To swoon and allow him to save her? _Bella wouldn't. But there were different expectations placed on the two sisters. She had already stepped out of character by allowing herself to be dragged into this stupid fight.

Deciding that she was already too deep in this fight to do the right thing, she smiled slowly and pressed closer to Lucius. If he was going to pursue her, he would have to find out that Bella wasn't the only one who knew how to fight back. "Do I look like I need to be rescued?"

--- --- ---

Marlene listened to Alyss' words, reacting when appropriate. "That will be a problem. It's probably something like 'I hate Muggle-borns' or something like that but we shouldn't take chances. I think we should leave now, when Narcissa's distracted with Malfoy. Unless you can do a Disillusionment Charm? Hmm... Diversion, we need a diversion to get out of here without anyone getting suspicious. Let me think..." She looked around the Great Hall, taking in her surroundings. Her eyes lit up as she found what she was looking for. "Perfect."

Not actually too perfect. But it would do for now. Waving her wand in Sirius' direction, Marlene made him float up in the air, and dance around. "Sorry Sirius, but you're the biggest attention-seeker I know." When everyone was looking the other way, she beckoned to Alyss. "C'mon. I'll tell you the plan once we get outside." They started to sneak away.

--- --- ---

Narcissa was going to continue her rant about being strong and able to handle things on her own but suddenly Sirius floated into the air and started to dance. From his expression, he was just as baffled as she was. Both confused and...Well just confused, Narcissa's mouth dropped open as her facial expression turned to befuddlement. "Huh?"

--- --- ---

_I'm running out of appropriate curses, _Sirius thought as he shot his infamous Black-death glare in Marlene's direction. She'll really have to pay for this. _A few slugs in her bed, or in her dinner... I'll even give her those ugly cretins I found in Kreacher's place - I still don't know their name._

Two counter-curses later, he fell unceremoniously on the floor. _I'm starting to prefer the Giant Squid's company over my fellow-Gryffindors... Not__ a __good__thing_

I'm sick of it!" Sirius announced. He stood up and pointed with his wand at McKinnon. "You don't hex fellow-housemates, Marly! That's low!" He screwed up his face for a moment in concentration, and Marlene seemed to stick both her lips out. Only they started to grow - until Marlene had a duck's snout. "The bacon and I are leaving," Sirius resumed. "You look much better like that, Marly."

He Summoned the plate with bacon in his hands, and keeping his Protection Shield firmly in place, exited.

Outside the Great Hall, he paused for a moment to push a piece of the delicious meal in his mouth. He chewed thoughtfully and decided to leave for some place quiet - after all, breakfast was the most important meal of the day.

Narcissa felt it bubbling, deep within, as she watched Sirius explode in anger, watched him transform Marlene's mouth into...a duckbill?? Not able to contain it, laughter exploded out of her mouth and Cissy doubled over as she watched Sirius huff from the Great Hall. Turning to Lucius she continued to laugh, gasping for air as she spoke.

"Just...like he...was...little..."

--- --- ---

_What??_ he thought. _She doesn't want me to rescue her?_ Before he could voice his disappointment, it looked like McKinnon cursed Sirius to save her own skin. _Hmmm. Maybe she is in the wrong house._

Smiling, Lucius watched as Sirius pouted out of the room, but his smile faded as he felt Narcissa begin to shake with laughter. Her reasoning, a childhood memory, did nothing to cheer him. Again she insulted him with the reminder that she was related to the blood traitor. He stepped away from her, not releasing her completely, but with enough distance to show his disapproval. "There are still others to deal with my dear."

--- --- ---

Marlene was diving towards the door, not quite listening to the speech that Sirius was speaking, when all of a sudden she started growing... a duck's bill? _Oh, no he di'int!_ She decided not to try to speak, just in case something even more horrific happened such as her quacking instead of speaking. After a moment of hard thinking she remembered the counter spell and undid the charm Sirius had made. Previous experience had prepared her for this.

Marlene turned towards the exit, shouting as Sirius exited the Hall. "Talk about not hexing fellow house-mates!! Bloody hypocrite," she muttered angrily to herself. She placed a strong Protective Charm around her, and grabbed a plate of bacon from a nearby table. "It all started with the bloody bacon. Stupid poohead, thinks only of himself. Attention-seeker..." she trailed off. Marlene stepped outside the door and lobbed the contents of the plate at Sirius, just when he spun around, looking surprised. She dove back inside, shouting for effect.

Now all she had to do was somehow hide, just in case. She sprinted towards the staff table, ducking under said table and behind one of the chairs, careful not to bump Dumbledore. _Not__ perfect, __but __once__ again__ it'll__ do._

Outside the Great Hall, Sirius quickly moved his wand, so the bowl with bacon, instead of flying in his face, emptied its contents in the plate he was already holding. He munched on one of the newer pieces while he listened to McKinnon screeching inside. He shook his head. _Such a darling girl._

Alyss looked around at the mess everyone was in...Sirius had stomped off, Narcissa and Lucius in a tiff, James and Lily smitten and Marlene...under the staff table? Sighing she shrugged her shoulders and moved over towards the tipped Gryffindor table.

"Reparo," she muttered. The table righted itself and gently covered James and Lily again. Leaving them be, Alyss slid onto the bench and began to summon some toast and fresh bacon and eggs for breakfast. Eyeing the Slytherins, she began to tuck into her meal, cautious of what might happen next, but unwilling to cause further stress to the atmosphere.

--- --- ---

Wiping tears from her eyes, a new wave of chuckles hit Narcissa as she watched Marlene remove Sirius' handiwork and move under the staff table.

"Marlene must be 'quackers' to hide under there!" Cissy laughed at her own joke, but sobered slightly as she felt Lucius pull away. Composing herself as he suggested going after the other Gryffindors, Narcissa moved back towards the Slytherin table and picked up her book that she had intended on reading earlier.

"Let it all alone, Lucius. The fun is spent." Smiling, nodding in his direction as a salutation, Cissy walked towards the entrance, determined to find someplace peaceful to finish her book.

--- --- ---

After making sure that no one was after her, Marlene got out from under the table, keeping an eye out for trouble. "Sorry Professor. Desperate times call for desperate measures." She stifled her laughter and walked straight out of the Hall without a second glance, uttering a line from a movie, Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

"I wash my hands of this weirdness."

--- --- ---

What?" Lucius watched as Narcissa gathered up her book. "But we have them scattered, broken apart!! Now is the time to strike!!" She didn't respond, didn't even look back at him. Sighing, Lucius grabbed a piece of toast and moved quickly to catch up to the beautiful creature that constantly baffled him. As she stepped through the doors he slid his arm around her waist and leaned to whisper in her ear. "There is always a revenge plan..."

--- --- ---

**Reviews are nice things. Therefore those who send them will be smothered with love and affection until they wished they had never pushed on that blue button.**

**Marlene says that she'll gladly send a free Sirius, James or Lucius to any reviewer. If you add in the words "I REALLY LOVE THIS STORY IT IS AWESOME" then you can also have an Alyss, Cissy or Dumbledore. Your pick.**


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